Prayers

The world kicked my ass this week - describing it is pointless. I come from a troubled and troublesome family of origin. My last remaining sibling, true to form, pulled the rug out from under me in his own special way - and not for the first time. Tired of crying, wondering what I did this time, and tired of grieving a dynamic that may never change. Some people are stuck. Some people want to not live in the stuck-ness. He's the former, I'm the latter. Being stuck is a life-killer. It's not what we're made for.

Today I kneeled and prayed for the first time in a very long time. I prayed for the maturity and loving kindness to forgive those who've intentionally caused pain. I also prayed for forgiveness for the things I've done that haunt me. I prayed for as maturity to finally forgive myself for the trauma my selfishness has caused others: ego likes to wallow in self loathing and self pity. Dear Lord, set me free from self imposed shackles! This is a mortifying admission. Once upon a time I had to participate in a variety of group therapy sessions. One of the therapists brutally called me out. He said (this was 20 yrs ago), "on the surface you put people at ease, listen and interact supportively, but you don't let people in, though it seems to them that you do." The fucker, he was right. It's easy to let the light shine out, so to speak, but the hard part is letting it in.

So, yeah, mere moments ago I actually prayed - a prayer of gratitude for my blessings; however slight they might seem, I have many. There's an old song by The Doors, a line in it goes something like, "you cannot petition The Lord with prayer." Once I did a craft show held in a private home. The wind kicked in and destroyed three EZ-UPs. The hostess led everyone in a hand held prayer. I joined in, so as not to offend. She literally chastised God for fucking things up (my words) and told him he better not do it again, and instead he should bring in more sales. I started calling God, to mock her in private, "Sky Daddy." Everyone prays to Sky Daddy for favors and goodies. Part of why I've rejected the idea of the divine has been based on other people's self-serving stupidity. Judgmental, right? I generally ask for nothing. Everything needed is already there. Learn to work with that and love, no matter what... and live without fear.

So, yeah, it smarts what happened within the extended family this week. Especially hurts to know that most mere mortals will double down and perpetuate the problem instead of fixing it. The realization that it's not my damage that caused it. My damage makes me take it all on, trying to find perfect words, begging just right, as if that would open the door that slammed in my face. Forgive them, for they know not what they do.

Just as I despaired, I got a call from my former MiL. After years of misinterpretation and anger, I let myself be human, tell her about the sorrowful situation, and ask for advice. Omfg, did she step up, or what? Yup. An ally, a blessing, I never actually knew I had.

Thank you Jesus, Thank you Lord. I am humbled by your grace, and no longer afraid to face it.

Amen, fuckers! I love you, even when I don't like you.