Does God Knock When You're Lonely?
Based on analytics, this will be read anywhere from six to 14 times. That's not a lot, but it's not entirely a bad thing. Means I can say whatever. Everyone, not just leftists, is so easily offended these days. It wasn't like this in Cave Man Days, the 70s, when I was young. Sticks and stones isn't a thing anymore. I could be offended every goddamned day, by many a demographic, but I've seen it all. I've always been able to put myself in another's proverbial shoes; seeing the possible whys and wherefores that incite behavior mitigates the ego-sting of perceived, or overt, slights.
Segue: confession of the day is "holy fuck I'm lonely." I'm blessed with a lot of love in my life: kids and extended family. What I don't have is a connection to someone my own age. I do like being single, for all intents and purposes. November 2017 was the last, ultimately doomed, attempt at romance. Being a people pleaser, it's a relief to work on just myself for a change. Narcissists and I tend to be very simpatico - good for them, hellish for me. All the more reason to keep to myself.
But still, the last month I've been having dreams about awkward, fleeting, intimacy with men. Waking up wistful, having a sad little ache through the day after... yet having no interest in pursuing or cultivating that in real life. I'm going through a spiritual upheaval, with no-one to share it with, that's what the dreams mean to me. There are intense sensations of comfort, acceptance, and pure loving intent that embraces, then dissipates. It's not sexual, or even romantic.
Tangent time. Last year, right before, and during, lockdown I was laid low twice, 2 or 3 days each time, with a cold or flu. While abed I was reading a sci-fi series that caught my eye because it was about nanobots/nanomites. By book two it was obviously a Christian story of a woman reclaiming her faith. I enjoyed the story: inhabited by a mass of millions of nanomites that gave her incredible powers, while she resolved issues with family and came to terms with falling in love with a gritty pastor. By the last book, the tribes of nanomites within her were converted to Christianity, which helped erase her crisis of faith.
God approves transhumanism? A year ago, it was a fun story. Now, not so much. Julian Assange's last broadcast before being permanently silenced included references to smart dust and that we're the last free generation. Chemtrails, covid injections and 5G acting in concert (also pesticides, GMOs, sugar) are destroying our health: yeah yeah I know: conspiracy whackadoo theory whatever. This year, defending my bodily autonomy/sovereignty has become a primary issue: the proverbial hill to die upon. It's healthy to question authority, seek answers and come to one's own conclusions. This lady's book feels too much like predictive programming. How is it Christian to be so completely altered by technology that one is practically usable as a super soldier? The point was that the main character begins to address her lack of faith, and slowly lets Jesus in, so to speak.
That's the part that moves me. There's a mountain of life experience boiling down to this peculiar era. It's humbling to admit, it makes me feel crazy to believe that the divine is knocking at the door. Is the divine to be "let in," or "let out"? Both, most likely. Unlike the series, there's no human in my life to discuss this with. No sexy pastor, no congregation of repentant souls... Only the internet, and a handful of disinterested minds traversing the electronic ether. The voice that isn't a voice tells me I know what I need to do. The precipice of faith: not ready to surrender, but now knowing it's inevitable.
